Today has been a mixed bag.
The beginning of my day was really nice. I went out with my mom and Sam. We went to the gallery where my art piece will be shown and turned in my piece. I can't believe that I'm going to be in my first gallery show! It still feels so surreal. I'm sure it won't feel real until I'm looking at my piece hanging on that wall. I feel a little insecure about it too, even though everyone who has seen it has told me that it was beautiful, I still feel unworthy somehow. I wonder if imposter syndrome ever goes away or if it is something that you can work past? Like did Picasso think he sucked? Probably not, I've read he was a huge arrogant asshole. But what about Frida? Or Georgia O'Keeffe? Did they struggle with thoughts of not being good enough or like people were blowing smoke up their asses when they tell them that they like their art? That would be fun to explore in an essay for Substack.
My newest one has done quite well on there too. Lots of views, a very nice message, and even some new subscribers. Which is always wonderful. I think I'm going to start doing something in my subscriber messages, maybe once a week? I don't want to be too annoying to people, ya know. I always feel like I am annoying people too. Another thing to work through in therapy. I have another appointment tomorrow and I'm a little nervous because she wants to start a new intense therapy session tomorrow and I don't know if I'm ready for it. I'll be honest with her about how emotional and out of it I've been feeling this last week.
It's been really rough but I don't really want to talk about it.
I've been trying to write but it's not going very well tonight. I keep getting stuck on the words and nothing is flowing. It is annoying. I though if I did this first, that would get the juices flowing and I will be able to write more of the other stuff. But I also don't want to write about my ghost traumas this late at night either. Maybe I'll work on the IBOS outlining that I need to do. That will get me one step closer to finishing this chapter of the book. I added more things that are twisting and turning in the different POVs so it's gotten a bit complicated and I need to make sure I still know where we are going with this story, ya know? I think I know but I don't want to have some plot holes down the line because I forgot something I did in these early chapters.
I started working on my diamond art kit that my sister gave me and that has been more fun than I expected it to be. I should take a shower today but I really don't feel up to it. I guess I'll do that in the morning. I don't want to go to another therapy session all gross looking and dirty. I gave the dogs a bath today and that took all the energy that I had left. Now my disabled cat, Simon, is acting a fool because we moved the cat food from the floor to the table. He's been up there and eaten from the bowl on the table but that's not good enough, he wants to rip open the bag and eat out of that directly. Freaking little jerk. It's so bad right now that he won't let Phil's dad sleep because he is opening the drawer and trying to drag the bag out. I gave him his pills but it takes a while for them to kick in, so we have him in our room for now but he is pissed about it.
I'm going to go write that outline now and then try to get some of the chapter written too. That would be ideal for me tonight.
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