I don't know why I bothered... I should have known that he was just rearing up for another complete melt down.
Now he says he's single on facebook and has me blocked. All because I wouldn't agree with him about something that no one would agree on. I don't understand why he did this, why he is doing this, and why this is all happening in general...
I still haven't been able to sleep. I'm scared to sleep and I just... don't feel tired. Maybe I'm in shock, maybe it's grief, maybe it's my whole life collapsing around me as I try to grab pieces and put them back together.
He doesn't want that though, he just wants to blame everyone else for this horrible tragedy. I just don't want my last almost either years to be a giant waste of my time... but this might be the end... I don't know how to feel about this. I feel numb to most things at the moment. I miss Evie so much... I miss her so much it hurts.
I started crying cooking dinner because she wasn't there begging at my feet. I cried because I saw their pee pad and was hit with the realization that I'll never clean up another one of her giant pee puddles. I'm crying right now because I miss her so damn much....
I just wanted a partner who was mutually supportive to each other but instead I get this abusive bullshit of being his emotional punching bag. I just... I just want a happy life... it's insane to me that we were discussing babies and weddings a few days ago, and now this...
It's so fucking stupid and I hate it. I hate how life has been since I've moved to this house and now my baby is gone...
Finding her was one of the most traumatic things that has happened to me recently... I gave her CPR, I tried to warm her up... she was so cold... I accidentally woke up my son by screaming no,no,no... that had to be really traumatic for him too... and then I took her out to my (ex?)partner, and that must of been very traumatic for him too, especially since it was father's day.... not that I thought that he was very fatherly lately... but it was an extremely traumatic day all the way around. She was the sweetest, most loving, sassy little girl that I could have ever hoped for in a little dog. She was so precious to me and to everyone who ever met her...
I doubt I will sleep tonight either. I just don't feel like it... the chances of having a nightmare are HIGH and what those nightmares could be filled with is fucking terrifying... I'm more scared of that than I am of the consequences of not sleeping for a little bit. I will sleep soon, not tonight, but soon.
I hope I can find some new happiness in my life, but currently I hate my life. I'm struggling so hard with all of this, and I was ALREADY struggling so hard with my mental health that I had to start medicine. And those meds aren't fully in my system yet.
Ugh... I feel so... betrayed... abandoned... I don't know what else to say about it....
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