Oooooooooh I fucked uuuuuuuuup, I fucked up so bad.
I didn't fall asleep until SEVEN O'CLOCK and I took 75mg of trazodone to do that. For some reason I just couldn't fall asleep. No matter what I did or how hard I tried to lay there with my eyes closed, it was NOT happening. Even just having my eyes closed was a huge struggle. Then when I finally fell asleep, I had the weirdest fucking dreams EVER. So fucking weird but not a nightmare just unpleasant. Which I guess some people would say that is a nightmare but some of my nightmares are intense and leave me crying, heart racing, and shaking for hours. These ones are mostly annoying or I laugh at the absurdity of it all.
I slept on and off until 7pm and at one point I was sleeping so deeply that I had no idea how much time had gone by. It felt like I just closed my eyes for a second and it had been four hours. And I wake up feeling so groggy and out of it. But I think it's because of the new pills and higher dosages, and that my body just has to get used to it again. Hopefully when that happens the grogginess will go away. It's honestly hard to get up some days, like I would literally sleep all fucking day and night if I could. I hope that gets less intense as the time goes on too.
I wrote out all of the plans for my 75 Hard challenge and I'm starting to make the pages for it in my pink notebook. This challenge will start on 7/20 and finish on 10/2, which is kinda crazy to be honest. But I did all the calculations and that's where it put me. I'm really excited to get started and I know that it is going to be great for me and everyone else because I'm going to be fixing the house and getting better about a lot of things and finishing projects and all that. Phil might join me on some of the things too. He wants to focus on getting a job asap which will be great for him for many reasons. Of course our financial stability, but also when he is working his mental health gets way better. Which is good for all of us. Though he has been doing a very good job lately with all that. He has been really working through his issues and struggles with a lot more gentleness and not like freaking out anymore. Hopefully that will keep going because it has been nice. It's like the old times, the good times when our relationship was at its strongest. I hope that it stays this way. And we've had a few times where an argument could have happened but instead he used the therapy tools and we came to a compromise. Which was great. And he has stopped drinking and taking too many xanax.
Add comment
Comments