I know I have said days were weird before, but this one might take the cake. Sleep was not a thing even though I was "sleeping" until like 4pm. I HATE sleeping so late, I HATE that my body wouldn't let me sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. And while I was sleeping, I had HORRIFIC nightmares. Dude I was literally a victim in a concentration camp in my dream, over and over and over. It just kept going back to that dream every time I closed my eyes. I don't even want to talk about what I actually saw being done in those camps in my dreams but let me tell you... it was deeply disturbing and I don't know how my mind even created such disgusting gore and circumstances.
Guess that's why I'm such a good horror writer lmao. But that whole sleep put me in a pretty bad mood but I pushed on.
I cut out a bunch of my stickers and printed more stickers AND my 30 day goal planner that I created. I figured if I'm going to sell them to people, I have to make sure that it actually works. And to do that, I have to use it myself. Now I have to figure out what I want to do for the goal. I was kind of thinking lose five pounds but I'm not sure.
The whole weight loss thing is very triggering for me if I'm going to be honest and transparent here. I've struggled with disordered eating, and eating disorders. I have issues with food textures and not being able to just force myself to eat certain foods. I try my best to eat healthy but I don't like certain foods and I can't digest certain foods and I don't have the energy or money to make certain foods. So as you can see, food stuff is really hard for me.
And you would think, well just add more exercise. BUT my POTS makes exercising really difficult because it is an exercise resistance disorder where any type of action (even talking) can cause my heart rate to skyrocket and I almost pass out. Its very annoying but I do have things I can do to do some stuff. I'll add a couple sets of like 5-10 minutes of exercise and I can always stop if I don't feel good or start to get dizzy. I'll set a timer and listen to music until I'm done.
Okay maybe that can be the goal that I use and I'll have to journal to work through these feelings that I'm having about the whole thing. I'll either journal in a specific book that I'll dedicate to this, or I'll add it to my morning pages. I mean, maybe I should have a separate journal for this weight loss goal. Well, it's really going to be a "get your shit back together with your health and start taking care of yourself again" goal that has a focus on weight loss. Does that make sense? Well it's because I've been being really bad about doing the things I need to to take care of myself lately. Even like taking my medications and vitamins, I've been slacking on. I don't know why but I need to do better. So I'll use this goal planner to do that. Yeah, alright, I love it, and you know what? I have a BUNCH of stickers now that I can give to myself like a good noodle star for each of the tasks that I accomplish that it aimed towards my health.
Okay, I'm kinda excited to set it up now lol. LET'S GO!
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