Today has been another absolutely horrible day.
I was woken up with my ex punching the bed next to my head, and this was the first time I was able to close my eyes in days. Since Evie died... My ex then decided to go online and start spewing a bunch of lies about me, including that I killed the dog, which is not true and he is really just an abusive asshole.
And the worst part is that I still wish that this wasn't happening... I feel like a fool... and the only way that this whole thing wouldn't feel like a gigantic waste of time was if we were able to get past it and still be together... but we won't, we can't. He will never change who and what he is, which is a monster. He could be an amazing man, when he wanted to be or was trying to get something from you... And he is convinced that I am the problem, that I'm a "bad omen", it's like, okay but have you looked in the mirror and watched how your actions fuck up your life? It's fucking ick material when people are so deluded to how they act and how they are the master's of their own stories. He doesn't want that though, because then he couldn't blame everyone else for his problems.
I'm staying with family now, but I am so... so many feelings and I feel so horrible unsure of the future and that terrifies me so much...
I need to figure out something to do and get it done asap.
I would like for that to be college, but I'm scared because I've never been able to achieve that before. But this time could be different. I will have to do a few things before I get to that stage but we shall see what I'll do now...
I'm gonna go on Indeed and see if I can apply for anything.
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