I'm still struggling really badly.
This morning, I couldn't sleep. It felt like the walls were closing in around me and I just needed to leave. I went outside and all I wanted to do was go down to my old house... That's so dumb, I know... so I started asking myself why I am so stupid and what the fuck is wrong with me... I was out there for about a half an hour before my son found me.
I feel like I've completely failed him AND how the hell could I go back to him after all of this? I would never be able to look my son in the eyes again...
We went on a long walk which felt really nice, but also made me sad. We had to pass the house twice because we are at the end of the road and have to go past to go anywhere. So, that's going to be a really fun hell for the rest of my life I guess...
I don't want to be ungrateful because I am of course grateful for the help that I am being shown, but this isn't the life I wanted ... I want to be in my home with my pets and with the person I thought I was going to be with forever...
I feel so stupid saying that though... so stupid...
I talked to an old friend for over two hours tonight which was nice, but nothing stops that sadness from creeping back in. I feel this horrible pull and I just... I don't know what I want. I feel like I'm in a complete fog right now and in this weird in between place and I don't know how to make it stop or better. I don't want to cry every day. I don't want to be miserable and a burden on all those around me. I want to have my stuff the way that I had things going... even if it was hell at least it was my hell. Does that even make sense?
Then he sent me a bunch of songs like Blameless which ripped my heart to shreds. I just... I don't know what to do... I'm so confused and twisted up... This is just bullshit... Maybe I am trauma bonded to him or something... maybe that's why this feels so horrible... I mean I was also with him for a really, really long time, like the longest I dated anyone by a lot and the thought of dating someone else... I hate it... I don't want to give myself to anyone else... I thought I was all done with that... I thought I was with someone that would be there for me forever.
I don't know... I just hate this...
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