Day 289: I feel like shit

I have been puking all day and feel like shit. I haven't eaten in days and don't want to eat. Everything that I smell makes me wanna puke and even drinking water is a struggle. 

I still feel like such a fool. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I do this for the last seven and a half years? And why am I still upset about all of it? 
I miss my dogs, I miss my space and even when life was hard it was at least my life... I feel like I don't have a life anymore. I feel like I'm at the mercy of others and at least before it was the mercy of someone I thought loved me... 

But he didn't... he blamed me for so much that wasn't my fault and wouldn't take accountability for anything and then say that that was me because I wouldn't take blame for things that weren't my fault. 
I just found out that he had told other people that if I was pregnant that he would punch me in the stomach but then was literally making plans with me to have a baby. And I was only doing it because I thought that was what we both wanted. I would never force a baby on anyone... I don't understand why he was such a fucking liar. Why didn't he just fucking communicate with me? Like seriously I am not a crazy person who blows up or anything. I'm the calm one, I'm the reasonable one and having discussions is one of the things that I always enjoy doing whether it's a hard topic or not. I just don't understand being that way... it's so against how I am as a person it doesn't make sense to me. 
This whole thing is so fucking crazy to me. So crazy and part of me just wants it all to go back to the way it was while the rest of me knows that it never can. And shouldn't because he was abusing me. Yet I still want my life back... this is such bullshit. 
I feel so up in the air and I'm a state of flux that makes me feel helpless and hopeless. Even though my sister reminds me of the handful of times that it's been the opposite where I helped her out with housing and all that. But this feels horrible to me... well maybe she felt the same way before too. This is the first time in a really long time that I have been at the mercy of others and have nothing. I'm so behind the eight ball right now that I have no idea how to get life back in my control. I have literally no idea... I haven't felt like this is such a long time and I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it.