Holy shit, I slept SO MUCH. I was exhausted and literally could not make myself get up.
It's been a little bit of a rough day to me. I keep having intrusive thoughts about Phil and his ex. I keep thinking like what if he has feelings for her, and I really want to read what they talked about, like really badly. I know it will hurt to do that but the not knowing is driving me crazy. I need to know what they talked about. I need to know if he said he wanted to be with her to her. I need to know if they flirted. I just have to fucking know.... See? It's driving me insane.
I tried to take a shower to make the thoughts stop but it didn't work. I drew a ton of the first chapter of FLUFF. I'm on the last page of it actually. I only stopped because I noticed how late it was and I really feel like I should be going to sleep. Though I'm not all that tired so maybe I could just finish up that page after writing this. Then I'll go to sleep when I finish the page. Maybe. I don't really want to do that right now either. I'll just play on my phone for a little bit and try to sleep.
I had the weirdest dream last night. There were car crashes, being abandoned by my family, taking a child hostage so that a group of people wouldn't attack me, changing ages from 13 to 21 to 17, Jensen Ackles but young and he was wearing this green sweater and I was like rubbing his back and he was being flirty but then someone killed him, a lot of people died in my dream, there was a part where I was being chased by werewolves, a part where I was dealing with a bunch of super villains (they were the ones that died), having to walk down the side of the road trying to get to an flight. It was just super fucking weird and soooooo vivid. I can still feel the sweater that Jensen was wearing. Like super super vivid which is probably why it felt so weird.
Maybe that's part of the reason I'm having a hard time today. The dream started me off in a weird vibe and then all I could think about was the bullshit with my fiance and his ex. And it still is fucking with me. I wish it would just stop but it won't. It just keeps playing around in my head tormenting me with these stupid thoughts and he keep telling me that he loves me and can't be happy without me, and that I'm his world and all that stuff but all I can think about is that him talking to her and what he and her talked about and I just want to know. But I also know that if I read it that what he said would be what's tormenting me instead. All of it will torment me. I admitted to him that I was having these thoughts and he asked if I was going to break up with him. Which no, I'm not, but I need to understand why he would run to her the second we break up. It makes me feel like he had/has feelings for her. Ugh.
Ugh. ugh. ugh.
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